Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
