i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
BRING THE BAGELS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
