My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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