Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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