Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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