It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
