R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
