i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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