Just fell off a train. Bad.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
