I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
