the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
