my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
