Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
