My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
