then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
