my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
