at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
