while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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