I cannot find my penis.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
