Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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