So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize