oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
