You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
