you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
