her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
