I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
