She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
