so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
