at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
