No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
