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• (937): View more from Ohio

  I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

  Fav 22 1475 6125

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

  Fav 30 15357 1683

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

  Fav 9 8235 1412

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• (334): View more from Alabama

  He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

  Fav 8 1731 4160

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• (269): View more from Michigan

  You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?

  Fav 5 1709 770

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night

  Fav 2 1538 680

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.

  Fav 23 2666 1037

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• (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.

  Fav 0 667 479

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• (979): View more from Texas

  Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack

  Fav 7 940 479

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• (858): View more from California

  Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone

  Fav 0 467 279

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.

  Fav 0 374 99

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  Dicks are not precious.

  Fav 2 101 110

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• (740): View more from Ohio

  I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.

  Fav 1 152 152

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.

  Fav 0 65 25

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• (510): View more from California

  It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.

  Fav 0 42 4

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