its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
