is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
