I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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