I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
