so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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