where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
