Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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