Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
