I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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