she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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