Do you still have your period?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
