my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
