you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
