So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
