a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
