We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
