so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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