fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
