The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
