Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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