I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Ketchup is God's man juice
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
