i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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