your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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