So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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