So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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