cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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