ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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