I wish I only lived at night.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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