I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
