I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dignity is for republicans.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
