I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I party with great urgency now.
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