Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
