So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
