thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
