I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
