Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You need a sexual gate keeper
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
