Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
