you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
