Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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