Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
